Category Archives: Confused

Jilted Sleepy Rambles

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

Corked.

Searching for answers through these pages of binary,
While my troubles become blurred with help of the winery.
But now my glass is empty and so are my hopes,
In moments like these I don’t know how anyone copes.
My loneliness is amplified with each stroke of the board.
The silence is deafening and can’t be ignored.
It all feels dramatic and I hate that about this.
I hide all the photos so I don’t reminisce.
Though my lips are sealed, my fingers are frantic;
Overthinking my actions and all the semantics.
So maybe it’s time I let these pixels rest,
Put a cork in it and hope for the best.

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Mindful Dog Stroking and Things

Things…….have happened, recently.

Bad things.

Well, maybe ‘bad things’ isn’t the correct label, more like changing things. Things with an unknown direction. Things that are going to create a lot of twists, turns and bumps. And while I may not be completely comfortable talking about the specifics of these things at the moment, they are still things, my things, and they have triggered a shift in my brain.

Through the tears, the laughter, the anger and confusion, I’ve realised that I really need to do some ‘mental maintenance’. If I don’t nip things in the bud, I am going to become a person I don’t want to be and I don’t want to have to look to medication to muffle the chaos. So, in the momentum of these changing winds I have taken it upon myself to improve my state of mind, find a new sense of calm and experience some clarity. Lady Anxiety has played too much of a leading role in my movie and it’s time for her to step out of the spotlight.

-Cue Mindfulness-

Although it is still early days, I am slowly but surely absorbing and embracing some of the tips, tricks and habits of mindfulness. And I have to say; it is quite delightful. Yes, I might be approaching it a bit haphazardly (as I typically do with most things) I am still feeling the benefit. For someone with a heavy overthinking addiction, it’s been gloriously shoulder-relaxing to channel my focus into something beneficial. I’m realising that the things I once enjoyed have silently slipped out of my weekly routine, lost to panic and tiredness, which is why I make my return to the blog. It has been months since I’ve written more than 20 words for myself. I can already feel my fingers twitching to ramble about nonsense again…

With that I bring you Mindful Dog Stroking!Dog – fun for all the family! Well, for Orson (the chunky brown bear) and me! Yes, his beefy happy face is fantastically calming in its own right, but adding mindfulness to the mix has made our ‘Mother and Son’ bonding even more relaxing. In return for my thoughtful grooming and fuss, Orson has been teaching me to appreciate the little things in life; the smell of trees, the squeak of a toy or the crunch of a biscuit. And while I may not start sniffing lamp-posts anytime soon, I am learning to stop and appreciate the nuances of everyday life, one breath at a time.

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Rocking Beat

That’s not dust on the needle, this record is broken,
A repetitive loop of words already spoken.

St- st- stuck on the same old tune,
Echoing off the walls of this weathered tomb.

Carved in the rock are old lessons from friends,
Advice from the wiser in the hopes that I’ll mend.

Whitewashed with stubbornness, faded with age,
Clouded by the haze of my own silent rage.

Their logic seems sound when scrawled on the stone,
Yet the vinyl still clicks with that same whining tone.

The cave feels crowded with this incessant sound,
My mind gasping for air, begging not to be drowned.

I see a speck of sunlight guiding away from the echo,
Suffocating spaces pushing me to escape and just let go.

But my concrete feet fight frayed habits to stay,
Stuck in this cycle of my own groundhog day.

I can hear the birds chirping, counteracting my song,
A beat that’s been listed at number 1 for far too long.

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Putting a face to a name (or a feeling…)

I stumbled across this video this morning and it couldn’t have come at a better time. Over the past few…….forevers…. I’ve been serial self-depricator and over the past few months it’s been increasing the daily appointments it has in my life. I’ve been trying to work out why I do it and what started it but I always come up short. Despite the constant affirmations of people around me, those little insulting voices still like to host afternoon lunch parties, social breakfasts and midnight feasts in my brain.

So I’m trying to task myself with a new challenge as my previous attempts at shoving a sock in it have come up short. Instead of focusing on the whys because so far there has been nothing glowingly obvious in my past for me to punch in the face, I am going to work on how to tackle the problem at hand, put faces to my own demons and then staple their mouths shut, duct tape, superglue, whatever strong adhesive is to hand at the time and do it that way. I think, hope, that a new habit will eventually form and that mental “quit hitting yourself!” quiets down, I’ll develop a new way of approaching things.

I started last night by trying to write a list of what I thought my positive qualities were, and I have to say it was bloody difficult. I don’t want it to be difficult, so I’m going to keep doing it until I do like doing it! Not dissimilar to my approach of eating fish. I used to hate but slowly but surely, bite by bite, I became a lover of all that is finny and scaled.

And on that note, I also found this delightful but ridiculously cheesy challenge to sink my fork into…

Limbo

I feel like I’ve lost my sense of belonging. I’m an outsider lost in limbo. Older than half the people around me but with the knowledge of a youngun’. I’m not a part of anything and I have no one to identify with, I feel quite lonely and lacking in something to put my abilities to the test. Maybe I should except hopes as empty and put myself to the test instead. Read, read, read and train myself so I can feel more competent. Stop feeling like the victim of the situation and make myself the champion.

It’s going to take drive, dedication and determination. I can’t let this rut get to me and I’m not sure why age has suddenly hit me, I feel like the behind child in class, struggling to catch up with the other kids.

Or, as I described to the Squishy Lamb; in a room fully of chatty French people, where I can understand the odd phrase but get frustrated that I can’t participate in the whole conversation.

I know it’s all about patience but I’m worried I’m always going to be behind now and I’ve started getting annoyed at my past self for not figuring out what I wanted to do sooner.

Tagged , , , , , ,